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Man with a beard and a woman looking each at each other face-to-face for a story about conflict styles.

A black and white dog is snarling and snappy at a white dog that looks like it's running away

  • you there for me?
  • Will you to me?
  • Will you with me?

A man and woman hugging and smiling and looking into each others' eyes

A man and woman sitting down talking, the man has he hand in the air, the woman looks unimpressed

  • — a validator tends to be positive when conflict arises, but often in a deflective kind of way. For example, if Jane tells Sally she wants more help cleaning the house, Sally might respond with "You're so great with how you keep the house clean, you're wonderful with this stuff and I really appreciate the work you do". This makes Jane feel her complaint hasn't been heard and makes her frustrated.
  • — this style is pretty self-explanatory. If Sally was an avoider and Jane brings up her issue with the cleaning, Sally is likely to not say much at all and sit staring at the floor while Jane is talking. This leaves Jane still frustrated because she hasn't been heard.
  • — They're not always explosive or violent, but a volatile person is more likely to dive headfirst into conflict, often loudly. If Sally is a volatile, she's likely to yell back at Jane and say she does do her fair share of the cleaning and if Jane wants changes, why didn't she say so earlier. Volatiles can be overbearing to validators and avoiders, and they even be scary without intending to be.

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Two Asian women sitting and looking at each other. One is resting her face on her hand

  • — Be of the other person's feelings.
  • — towards them, this means both physically as eye contact is vital to having a good argument (more on that later) and turning your attention to them.
  • — their expression of emotion (as long as it's not violent or abusive).
  • — Try to where the emotion is coming from. To check if you are understanding them, try to reflect back to them what they're saying — for example, "So what you're saying is you're upset because you've done the washing up every day this week."
  • — Use , such as "You're right, I haven't done the washing up this week."
  • — Have for the other person's feelings. Even if you don't agree with why they feel that way, you can empathise that they feel it. "It must feel frustrating for you when you feel I'm not helping out enough."

  • Express your feelings — "Tell your truth," Dr Carrangis says. Try to express just how you feel in words.
  • Ask open questions — This helps the person you're speaking to express themselves better and helps you understand them more clearly. Questions like "What are your thoughts around that? What's the worst part about that for you?"
  • Show empathy — Even if you think the person is being ridiculous, you can still validate the way they feel. "I can see why you'd feel that way" or "I can see this makes you quite upset".

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